


Voidness

by iStandalone



Series: Drabbles - EMIYA’s original timeline AU [2]
Category: Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/stay night (Visual Novel), Fate/stay night - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Archer’s original timeline, Drabble Collection, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Kirei was an asshole too, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rin being Rin, Shirou had pushed his luck enough in one night, Tokiomi was an ass, but I love him, we all knew it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:00:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26376127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iStandalone/pseuds/iStandalone
Summary: Unable to sleep, Rin decided to take her late night walk. Remembering last year events in Holy Grail War, she was wandering into a place that it all started. It appeared she wasn’t the only former master who can’t seem to let go.
Relationships: Cú Chulainn | Lancer & Tohsaka Rin, Emiya Shirou/Tohsaka Rin, Heroic Spirit EMIYA | Archer/Tohsaka Rin
Series: Drabbles - EMIYA’s original timeline AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1903954
Comments: 12
Kudos: 49





	Voidness

**Author's Note:**

> I had a little too much fun writing Cu, that’s why it took longer than I thought. lol Basically just more depressing ShiRin, but this time with a fluff! I pinky promised :3

Red and blue flashed across aqua jades.

It was fascinating, the way they moved, the way they fought and defended, some of their moves were too fast for human eye. But she kept watching anyway, she just couldn’t shrink her gaze away.

Captivated by the sight before her, her legs were slightly trembling, her hands were tightly clenched in fists. A wave of satisfying adrenaline shot through her body like an electric shock. Her mouth hanged open, her voice won’t come out even if she ordered herself to make a command, shout an attack plan or tell her servant to finish his job by the time she’s done deactivating the traps they found on the rooftop. Her brain wouldn’t listen, so all she did was simply standing there, watching.

“You got some guts, Red Archer, I give you that,” The servant in blue was the first to broke the deadly atmosphere, he pointed the long end of his red spear to the enemy that’s holding a black bow with grace. The bowman shifted his gaze from Lancer’s weapon, staring down to the girl in school uniform and then back to his opponent. “But this isn’t your territory, if you keep going, it’d be easy like a child play.”

“If I were you, I wouldn’t be that quick to judge.” The other replied back with an even tone and unwavering expression, his long vermillion hair moving slowly in the breeze. The elegance of his posture contrasted ironically to the situation at hands.

A long silence came after that, and in a blink of an eye, the one with a bow jumped right from the roof to where Rin Tohsaka, Homurahara top score student and a master of Blue Lancer, was standing at.

Cu Chulainn immediately made his way to protect the black haired master and safely picked her up in time when Red Archer was moving to approach Rin. Cu spatted out the swears in Irish when he saw Archer seized this opportunity for escaping to the ground in front of school buildings.

“That fool, he’s thinking fast,”

Rin, now sitting on his shoulder, moved to meet his animalistic crimson eyes and nodded back in approval, urging Lancer to follow him to the ground.

The young master landed on her feet with the magical blue circle on the spot to help her deal with gravity, eyes moved forward to see her servant automatically chased after the opponent with fluid movement like water that went against small creatures in river. Silently observing the fight between two servants, Rin firmly grabbed her arm to steady the aim of Gandr. When she saw the halt causing by Cu’s counterattack in Archer’s movement, she fired.

Red haired servant looked startled and was temporarily distracted by unexpected attack from the spearman’s master, when his sense came back at the enermy before him, Archer was stabbed severely by the cursed lance in his torso.

Archer retreated back, escaped the second move from Cu Chulainn in last second with pure instinct. Standing further away, his face clearly said he knew the result of their match before someone made a sound in the outside of the running field they were currently located.

“Who’s there!?” Cu shouted, turning to the source of the sound. Rin gasped at the shadow of someone who’s likely a student that didn’t go home yet and running away back in the building. When she returned her sight to the area they were fighting, Archer was gone.

“A student…? Someone is still here?!”

“Master, the rule,” Cu warningly said, his feet already moved towards school building direction. “There will be no witness in the war,” And next minute he’s also gone.

“Lancer, wait!!”

Her servant was moving fast, she couldn’t do anything but to follow them into the building, feeling the fear throbbing inside her chest and guilt in her heart when she fully realized what Lancer meant by that.

Panting with hands on her knees, Rin stared horrifiedly to the body on the floor. Her servant who disappeared from a moment ago was now standing above his victim in moonlight, red orbs gleaming with expression a first she’d ever seen since the summoning, it was rarely unreadable.

Rin inhaled deeply, and started approaching the scene before her eyes.

“Lancer, follow that Archer and find out what his master looks like,”

“But he might come back here to get you, missy,”

“Do I have to waste a command seal?” Rin asked, her eyes never left the student unconsciously lying beneath her. She can see it was a boy by the shape and his uniform.

Lancer sighed, hand scratching at the back of his head.

“My master was too demanding,”

The spearman dematerialized after shook his head.

When Rin was sure her servant had moved away entirely from their school, she stepped toward her schoolmate. There’s a pool of blood coming out of the hole around his heart. It was a clean and clear elliptical wound by a lance.

It can’t be helped, Lancer did the job pretty perfectly.

Rin stared blankly at her own hands, and let out a long breath she was holding the second she found her servant towering over this unfortunate witness covered in blood, the metalic smell of it hit her hard when she bent over to look even closer with a shameful expression.

“Don’t turn your eyes away, Rin, this is your responsibility.” She whispered to herself, slowly sat on the floor beside the dying pray of her own servant. The student was breathing shakily, barely audible in the silence of the night. It was a miracle he could hold on to his life until this moment.

_This is my fault, I need to see through it until everything’s over._

Yes, this is her choice. Since the life of a magus named Rin Tohsaka began, she had knew all along this was going to happen and she needed to make a choice she did not want to. The path of being a mage meant you willingly accepted to walk on others’ blood including your own, this was the decision she’d made long time ago. Rin used to sacrifice and lose a lot of things in her life by her mistakes and misjudgment, and this moment happened to be one of them. There’s no need for hesitation now.

Yet her hands was unmistakably shaking.

_At least I need to see his face, or else…_

Rin tried to reach out but her hands won’t move, her body screaming for the crime she indirectly committed.

_I’m used to such a thing, but why did it have to happen in the very first day?_

Rin cursed to herself, finally made up her mind after a short of breaths, her cold fongertips touch the fabric of Homurahara male uniform, grabbing the student and turned his face up.

“Sorry, but I’ll stay here until your end has come, okay?” Her voice sounded deviant for even her ears, her eyes were all a blur and then, with a thud sound, she faced the cruel reality she has made by herself.

…

…......

………...........

This can’t be real.

If god hasn’t joked with her enough for today, this gotta be the final round of it.

_Out of all people, why it has to be you?_

The face of certain someone vividly appeared in her mind, the tinted flush on her face, pink ribbon swaying by the wind, those gaze she had on every times there’s a reflection of a boy with sheepish grin on his face, making everything soft and warm.

Happiness reached all over her expression, a shy smile on her lips. And at that moment, it cracked.

_~~Why… why do you have to steal everything away from me?~~ _

Rin shook her head in denial, sarcastic smile creeped in slowly. As if she hasn’t messed up enough aready, she silently stared at the boy.

“Stop it already, what were you doing, staying here this late?”

Of course, there’s no answer coming from said person who would later be just a flesh without soul in any second.

_You should let it go… Just go home and wait for Lancer. It’s safer that way._

A voice at the back of her head said.

But Rin wasn’t listening, her right hand felt the solid sensation of red amulet pendant in her pocket, the one and only gift from her father for the preparation of Holy Grail War. The pendant’s shining in the dim of moonlight, it was the last thing she wanted to use if not necessary in this war.

Rin inhaled deeply with much strength that her lungs hurt. There’s no other way now. This is the least she can do, if this fails, she will lose a huge amount of mana stored it has inside. But…

She is Rin Tohsaka, and she isn’t one to give up when she’s determined about something.

After a moment of casting spells and pushing through all of her efforts to make up to her inability of proper reviving treatment for higher ranked magus, the redhead boy started to breath more.

“Yeah, that’s right. Try to take a breath,” Rin sighed, feeling relieved from the experimental first-try in fixing someone’s piece-throughed heart. “Ah, I have done it, this is so wrong but…”

_~~If~~ _ _~~I didn’t do it, Sakura was definitely going to cry.~~ _

Rin ran her fingers through raven bang while slumped back on the floor after feeling too worked up by non-stop thrilling situations, she made a painful groan to the pendant in her hand that contained only little magical energy left.

“Well, what’s done is done. I couldn’t do anything now after all the mana that’s been used up.” Rin said, more to herself than the boy.

“That’s true, you couldn’t do anything,” A voice said when Rin was about to stand up. The magus jumped a little by unexpected intrusion, narrowing her eyes to find the source. “It all started from you.”

_Huh…?_

There’s no one nearby in her surroundings, aquamarine orbs showed mild confusion.

“If you didn’t make a mistake that day, we wouldn’t have to face that ending. And we might have won the war,”

And when she finally recognized the voice, Rin slowly shifted her gaze to the person laying on the floor. His golden eyes now wide opened, they looked transparent and haunting, staring at her with disappointment and hatred.

“It was all your fault we met that fate, Tohsaka.”

It was dark when she’s awake, covered in sweat and pounding heat of nightmare.

Frozen in panick attack, her heart was hammering loudly in her ears. Her vision was tainted in crimson, and all she could do was laying there. Figured out what was real and what wasn’t.

It’s been ten months after the fifth Holy Grail War has ended, but every night Rin closed her eyes, the war continued going on inside her head, repeating itself like an endless loop, eating her out from inside. But up until now never once she dreamed about that night after the day she summoned Lancer, it might have been stuck somewhere in her mind since she saw that face more often lately, giving that they were in the same class in this last year.

Deep down, she knew she couldn’t stand the feelings of letting the boy, who endlessly jumped in the crimson colored running field without a care in this world, died all alone in school hallway. But it was so wrong to keep a witness of the fight between magical creatures alive, as a magus, that incident wasn’t anything but a mistake.

_But I guess I still couldn’t let it go…_

Rin stared at the ceiling, unable to forget the feelings of guilt and words fulled of resentment from her former partner in war. Her breathing was still uneven, her eyes burning, but no tears came out.

Rin propped her feet down the floor, creamy nightgown damped and sticky to her skin. She decided to take a bath once more. And by the time she finished, the grandfather clock in the living room told her it was only half past nine in the evening. She just went to bed not too long ago, having an insomaniac behavior like this for almost a year now made her felt restless. She was getting better though, but with her time in Fuyuki counting down by this last semester, her insomnia was back at its game.

These past three weeks had become absolute hell to her, both in day time and night. Some of the student started spreading weird rumors about her possibly illness by her lack of response in class. And the dark circle under her eyes wasn’t easy to cover with some concealer anymore. Those pictures inside her head, _the servant and the master_ , taking turns to haunted her at night in the form of illusion, emasculated her to the core.

Decided that it was no longer useful trying to go back to sleep just to meet another one of her nightmares, Rin changed into her usual red turtle neck and a black miniskirt, heading outside with one thing in mind.

It took not too much time compared to normal to reach the destination, but it was a long walk so Rin felt a bit tired. The church was an hour and a half away from her mansion since it was located in Shinto, she took a shortcut which she learned from Shirou Emiya thus she arrived here by fifty minutes from home. Her legs stopped at the entrance, eyes narrowing down with intimidating hint in them. She took a deep breath, feeling a bit hesitant while looked at the place where her guardian had lived in.

Rin slowly opened the gate without looking at the lock, knowing it will be opened, she stared at the flat expanse of concrete ground before the white building she far so used to, and started walking toward the doors.

The large chapel inside was kept perfectly clean by new caretaker of the church, flowers looked freshly in the vase and some candles were lit up for nighttime, unlike when Kirei was still alive.

“Guess the real priest is somewhat conscientious about his duty,” Rin airily commented while walking up to the altar. White hands landed on the table, body bent forward as her expression slightly dulled. “Now you know, he wasn’t here anymore.”

That fake priest was nowhere to be seen, an unmistakable prooft to the end of the war.

_If my mind can’t feel at ease, then at least my body has to face the truth._

Despite the fact, Rin could not swallow down the feeling of false possibility to see Kirei coming out of his room, and greet her with that disgusting smile of his. There was absolutely no trace of him. But mental evidence of his existence was somehow ironically everywhere in this late night scenario, and even Rin herself knew that she couldn’t easily erase him out of her mind. As much as she hated him for what he did, she had acknowledged him as her second teacher. Choosing to come here once in awhile means she will be reminded of both his lessons he has taught her and his death each time she pays a visit, and that brought out complicated-weirdly satisfying tingle in her chest.

The magus sighed in irritation, sitting in the front row and began to digest everything that had happened in this chapel one by one, the very first thing that came up in her mind was that last conversation Kirei and her had before he died, the one that turned her world upside down.

_He confessed he was the one who killed my father, his own teacher._

She gritted her teeth, anger boiled up inside her. She should’ve known better, but the truth behind her indignation wasn’t entirely about the fact as it normally should be. She knew that what came after the antagonizing revelation was what truly inflamed her outrage.

The truth about the forth Holy Grail War, ~~the truth about Tokiomi Tohsaka.~~

“Oh, It’s much cleaner and more welcoming,” Someone commented, someone who sounded so familiar. “They also bought Reed Diffusers, wha—this brand was a bit pricey.”

“That’s why it smells better than usual,” Rin replied without thinking.

“Yep, that must be it… but, what are you doing here?”

“Me? I couldn’t sleep so…”

That question distracted her train of thought. Upon realizing that she has been talking without intentions, Rin clasped her lips together, and looked up at the face she has just seen not too long ago.

The face of the boy in her dream, _in her memory._

They both stared blankly at each other, both wearing their usual plain clothes, except for Rin who wasn’t waering her red coat and orange scaft to suit the weather at the moment.

“Yo, Tohsaka,” The boy, now could be called _a man_ , said so with one hand holding up in greeting manner. Rin blinked, her eyes showed no hints of understanding about what was happening. They stood there facing one another in a long, deafening silence.

Once she realized it wasn’t her having a hallucination, she blurted out with startled voice, suddenly stood up in a loud fashion.

“E-Emiya-kun?!” She grasped, hands pressed together on her chest. “You’re not supposed to come here! It’s late.”

“Yet, you _are_ here.” He frowned, stepped closer toward her while replying back in a whip. “And I don’t think you own the place, so you won’t have a say in whether I should come to the church whenever I like it.”

He was back at it again, bubbling out of nervousness in self-defense mode.

Rin inhaled, thinking about how she would make the Fuyuki-Supervisor jokes to tease him like usual but decided against it in last minute. She shrugged.

“Guess you’re right.” She looked at the moonlight illuminating through the church’s window mirror. Suddenly felt exhausted by her insomniac thoughts, Rin slowly retreated to the exit, nodding. “Enjoy your late night prayer, then.”

She walked pass him in an unhurried pace, the sound of her footsteps echoed within the building. Being unable to say anything, Shirou was frozen in place and looked down at his sneakers.

“Am I being avoided?”

The echoing of footsteps instantly stopped.

“Sorry?” Rin asked, sounding unsure. Her expression was one that said she’s completely caught off-guard.

_Did I say that out loud?_ Shirou thought, trying to fight the urge to punch himself in the face while carefully choosing his next words.

“I mean, we didn’t talk much at school.” Shirou meekly scratched his face.

“Do we have to?” Rin tilted her head to a side, maintaining her clueless face with perfect elegant atmosphere. “We never talked that much anyway, before all of this.” Her gaze darkened a little at the mention of the war, but Shirou couldn’t notice since she was standing in the dark corner in front of the church entrance. He continued lightly.

“But this is about ‘after’ right? We should talk more.”

“And for what reason?” Rin narrowed her eyes, started to feel annoyed by his insistent attitude.

“So you admit you’re avoiding me.” Shirou openly frowned.

“No, I—” Rin immediately shut her mouth, chewing her bottom lip and realized that she almost dig her own grave.

_Hell_ , she already did.

If Rin were to admit she was avoiding him, then, she had to state her reason as why she did that. And if she were to deny she wasn’t, she would have no excuses not to talk to him in public or in any circumstances, back to the time they used to associate with each other during the war.

And if she just walked away on him, Rin’s sure she’ll definitely receive another kind of confrontation for the next day at school. The girl sighed with impressive expression.

_He’s sure getting better at this._

“Fine, let’s talk.” Rin smiled wryly, finally gave in. And she secretly hoped this would stop the redhead idiot from appearing in her late night nightmares like it was his routine, and to Rin’s defeat, cure herself from having them.

“Do you still drink soda?”

“Uh, yes,”

A bright metallic can was shoved upon his face.

Shirou blinked stupidly, golden eyes were showing mild confusion as if he just saw a fish flying by his bedroom window. He belatedly accepted the green beverage bought from nearby vending machine, asking. “How much?”

“You didn’t bring your wallet with you, right? So that’s on me, it’s fine.” Rin answered with ease, like it was obvious.

Shirou quickly checked his jacket pockets and pants, he found only the red pendant he recently brought with everywhere he went to, like a lucky charm, and nothing else.

_Okay, it was obvious. But damn, how could she know everything?_

“Thought so,” Rin mumbled after seeing his reaction, cracked open the coffee can in her hand. Rin let Shirou rumbled on and on about how he walked here so there’s no need to waste any money, and it was normal for people who are outside at this hour to be aware of unexpected robbery, et cetera, while gulping the drink mutely.

Shirou grimaced, instead of opening soda can, he placed it on the grass beneath him. The boy took a quick glance at Rin who was standing a bit further away, looking at the night view from the hill with unpredictable atmosphere.

“How was your day?” She asked, looked back at him, causing Shirou to pause before answering.

“Good, a bit strange though, maybe because Fuji-nee didn’t ask for extra rice this morning.”  
  


“That’s rare,” She replied back with genuine interest, knotting her brows together. “But it might be because she didn’t have enough time. Since she hadn’t done scoring the third year’s grammars pre-test yet, so she hurried to school before the bell rang to finish it.”

“Ah… that sounds very Fuji-nee like.” Shirou wore a hopeless smile, and they both let out a small chuckle in unison.

“Shirou,” His eyes followed to the call of his name, “You didn’t come here to talk about Fujimura-sensei’s decreased appetite, did you?” Rin finally spoke up, pointing out to the elephant in the room.

“You’re here because the war had started here.”

The redhead silently stared at the nighttime scenario, and hunched a bit forward to meet her icy blue gaze that were glittered by street lights, he nodded.

Rin closed her eyes, and then walked up the small hill to sit beside him on the bench.

“So, I’m not the only one who couldn’t get over it.” She made a faint smile.

“Do you think we could?” Shirou asked, his tone was so honest and raw.

“I don’t know, I hope we can,” She sighed, still closing her eyes and tried to force her voice not sounding too desperate. “Maybe one day, it takes time,”

“Do you have any regrets?”

Rin opened her eyes to take a glimpse of those stars in the dark sky above them, she then stared straight at him.

_Plenty_ was what her beautiful aquamarine eyes told him. Shirou swallowed hard, peeking at her side profile before continued his speech.

“This might sound like me being an arrogant idiot, but I think I have no regrets about the result of the war.”

Rin shook her head, looking dubious as him feeding himself a big lie. Shirou shrugged.

“Well, I could’ve phased it better. But what I meant was that, even though I could have done more, or found a correct way to take actions on things properly, there’s no way we knew the right answer before we made some mistakes, right? That’s why I think we’ve done our best, no matter what outcome we received.”

This time, Rin had a surprise look on her face. But it’s gone quickly as it came. Rin didn’t say anything to his last remark, and the next minute, she let out a loud noise.

“Well, I guess people don’t heal easily, but they’ll learn. I think that’s more than enough.”

“Y-Yeah,” He was taken aback by the abruptness.

“But…”

Her tone has changed into something different.

Shirou stopped his hand that secretly playing with the red pendant in his pants pocket, the only thing that left for him from those unforgettable moments. Recently he had made out a habit of holding it whenever he thought about the war, like a memento. He brought his hand out to rest by his side. Adjusting his position, he could hear the hesitation mingling in her breaths.

“I don’t know if I could learn from this.” She sighed, sounding tired than ever. Porcelain skin lighted up competitively to the moon and little shiny stars above their heads, body bent back as she shifted her weight to her arms. The girl shut her eyes in anguish.

“What you’re saying is…” He took a peek at her, being allured by her sudden confession and attractive isolated beauty all at once.

“This,” She gestured to entire area, and glanced back to the church with painful expression. “All of this, I don’t know if I could move on, I don’t know if I could learn from it.”

“...Tohsaka,” Her shoulders were slightly trembling, and out of his carefulness, Shirou reached his hand to grab on one of her shoulders, meekly asking if she’s okay. Rin nodded, wearing her not seen often helpless smile.

”The war was the only thing that I looked forward to when I was a kid because it’s my one and only goal growing up in Tohsaka’s household, learning magic.” She looked at her hands, feeling the energy within her that flared up by the mention of Magecrafts. “This goes without saying but Honestly, I never felt so excited my entire life, not from studying in Magecrafts, not from accomplishing top scores in schools. But for stepping closer to the path that had my father’s footprints on it, despite the fact—”

Rin inhaled shakingly, not knowing if it’s okay to say the word. His hand gliding its way from her shoulder to rest on her creamy hand. Rin shivered at the contact but for the entire moment, she didn’t shrink away. She made a beautiful smile at him in a thankful manner. Shirou nodded, his cheeks slightly pink, eyes encouraging her to continue her talk.

“I got scared, either for what I’d found out during the time in this war or for what my brain was telling me to do, to get to where he used to be. Even after knowing the true nature of the grail. My body still keeps looking for a trace of the war. I told it to stop, but it won’t listen.” She chuckled pathetically. “I never felt so much passion in the life of magus up until recently and yet, the war is now one year old. And I haven’t changed, not a bit. I don’t even feel like letting it go.”

Rin knew she should stop talking. She wasn’t supposed to tell Shirou all of this.

He was too far, yet far too close.

_If he knew too much, I will…_

She bit down her bottom lip, feeling insecure all of a sudden.

_I will definitely crack, and all the pretends we forced ourselves into doing will not be worth it._

But she couldn’t stop, her voice just came out of its own. Overflowing with an emotion she did not know how to call it, perhaps it had something to do with her trembling hand in his warm one.

“I determined to participate in this war simply just to win, but more than that, I subconsciously thought I could search for an answer my father left for me through the war. I’m not sure, but there’s something that left unsaid, something that I might be able to get close to him if I survived this war, and I did! But...”

~~I did not survive the war to unravel that ugly truth about father.  
~~

“Tohsaka,” His hand squeezed gently on her right hand. “You’re hurting yourself.”

She winced at the sudden feel of pain, then she refocused her vision. The girl slowly let go of her left arm, feeling the throbbing contusion around her upper part. Looking confused by her own action, she suddenly admitted with a shameful voice.

“It seems like these sleepless nights are getting at me,” Rin said bashfully, moved away from him. “I should go.”

“It’s not my first time coming here, you know.” He whispered, his hand still on hers, holding on firmly. “It isn’t over for me, too. It was all inside my head, like a late night film.”

Rin halted in place, stared back at Shirou with almost tearful eyes.

“…that has no end credits roll.” She replied, knowing it all too well herself.

“But, it did encourage me to try. And change something.”

“Like what?”

“Myself,” He faintly smiled, mostly at his own helplessness. “Every time I thought about the war, it reminds me how badly I want to change myself. So that I can be a hero of justice, so that I can save everyone.”

Ah, that’s right.

This is how crazy this person had come to be.

This is the nature of an existence of someone who called Emiya Shirou, this is what amazed her during their time in the war for countless time, whether it was his innocent intentions or innocent dream he aimed for, after all had done and said, she didn’t have it in her to look down and say it was childish to persue that.

Rin gently rested her head on his shoulder, feeling his strength in every bits of his muscles as he’s tensed upon their sudden intimacy. He let out a squeaky sound, halted in place. When he was about to take a look at her, she innately forced him to turn his face away using her index finger, pushing his chin.

“T-Tohsaka?” Shirou’s face turned bright red in an instant, but he looked equally worried and embarrassed. “What’s wrong?”

Rin then again shook her head, giggled endearingly.

“You are so lame, Emiya-kun.”

“S-Shut up!” Shirou mumbled, blushing harder. “I tried cheering you up and now you’re back at teasing me again. A-And this is how I am, it can’t be helped.”

She fell silent for a whole minute, causing him to glance at her questioningly.

“Yeah, I know.” Rin finally murmured. “Thank you.”

They’re enjoying their moment for a while, a night wind passed by softly before Rin broke the silence.

“Ne, Shirou.”

“Hmm?”

“Can you talk about something? I think I kinda get a lil’ sleepy here.” His shoulder was so comfy she couldn’t help but yawn.

“What should I talk about?”

“I don’t know, you were the one who wanted to talk.”

“Idiot, you cannot order people to start a conversation without a kickoff topic.”

She sighed. Then cracked a classic Tohsaka teasing grin.

“Something’s on your mind lately?”

Shirou paused, he swallowed a bit and licked his dry lips before he started.

“Uh, yeah,”

“What?” Rin raised one of her eyebrows. “If you have something to say, then say it.”

“Arth—I mean, Saber visited me at night, once in a while.” When Shirou saw her making a judgmental face he hurriedly explained with his incomprehensible speech. “In my dreams, like, in the past, kind of flashbacks. You also had something like that, right?”

“…”

“Uhh… Can you stop glaring at me? You’re making me nervous, you know?” Shirou looked down at the girl nervously. “Moshi-Moshii? Tohsaka-san?”

Rin stopped the glare. And she deliberately looked away with a muted sigh.

“Yeah, it happened because of a bond Masters and Servants share together as long as they have their contract. The bond gives you the access of your servant’s past life memory, so the longer you are together, the clearer those pictures will become.”

“So you also saw them, Lancer’s past.” He threw the question out like it was nothing. But it did trigger something within her, a set of memory was immediately unlocked from her pandora box.

_A scent of fresh blood and the death shot through her body. The loud scream of women and children can be heard from everywhere in the chaos and everything fell apart by that one barbaric smile from among the burning flame, a figure standing over a pile of corpses._

Rin slowly nodded, her face seemed deep in thought. And after a scale of heartbeat, Shirou added a comment.

“You two sure looked close.”

Rin blinked, now snapped out of her mind and focused on studying his face.

“And he was really protective of you.” He cocked his head a little, stared back at her.

“That’s what servants do, it’s their role in the war.” Rin turned her face away and said with an almost inaudible sound, her feelings perfectly hid behind her neutral tone.

“Well, It didn’t look like he was only doing it for duty’s sake,” He shrugged. “At least, not to me.”

_Duty’s_ Rin winced at the word. The girl plastered her face with an unreadable expression, listening to his voice that came with the wounds in her past she had yet dared to touch.

“Then… did you love her? Saber, I mean.” She asked with such a calm voice. At this angle, Shirou couldn’t see her face, and it’s making him nervous.

“…” He frowned, tried not to sound too surprised.“Why did you ask?”

But the next thing she said really was unexpected.

“Because I loved my father,” He looked down at the girl, and this time she allowed him to observe her real expression, “I loved him and I think I can’t stop loving him.” Rin held his gaze, aquamarine orbs finding a resolution in golden ones.

It was one of a few times she looked desperate and showed her fragile side to him. This used to happen during their time in the war, when they were in Einsbern’s castle, he caught her looking outside the window, her eyes gleaming by the moonlight and her guard was unconsciously dropped just like this time. Making Rin more like an ordinary girl than a perfect school idol or a strict, independent young magus. Her voice held an honest fear in it.

“But... I don’t think I knew who he was, what he had become. Or when he participated in the war, what was on his mind. I failed to understand his motives. I put up my ideal version of him before who he really was. I blindly listened to the idolized him too much, believing it was his true identity but it wasn’t.

Still, I really want to be like Tohsaka Tokiomi. I don’t know, I think I am scared. Not by my father, but who I will become if I kept looking up to the fake version of him.”

Shirou had been silent for the whole time she kept going on about her inner thoughts, Rin then self-consciously laughed it off when she knew it was a bit too heavy for him to carry on.

“Sorry I—This is rude. I shouldn’t be saying this to you.”

He was not good at words, but seeing her this vulnerable made his stomach clenched in a twist.

“It’s fine, Tohsaka,” Shirou replied earnestly, his face was softened. His arm slowly brought her closer to him, reassuring her to not flee away. Then he took a deep breath, determined to answer her honest feelings with his own. “It’s fine… Even though it was just a little part of him. You are allowed to love him in any ways.”

Her eyes widened as he was talking confidently with the words she didn’t know she needed to hear so much.

“People have flaws and your father was a human before he was a magus. It’s okay to admit that a person you look up to have a terrible side in them, you can love them and acknowledge their flaws at the same time.” Shirou smiled at her bewildered gaze, knowing that advice also implied to herself. “And just because they used to be a bad guy in someone’s else story, it doesn’t mean good memories of this person who you looked up to was a lie. _They’re real too._ The pain you feel when you think about him is the proof, isn’t it?”

Shirou cleared his throat before he reluctantly continued.

“And, um, about the question you asked, it might sound confusing but, yes, at some point I’ve loved her. Just like you. I knew she had this somewhat false ideal in her way of thinking, but I still looked up to this Arthoria anyway. I mean… who am I to judge her?” He ended it with the laugh in order to cover up the awkward tension, _his stupid laugh_. Rin softly chuckled in response, ignoring all the more awkwardness added by his croaking sound. In the meantime, she moved herself a bit closer to him which he noticed.

The white hand he was holding now intertwined with his own, slowly but surely squeezed back.

Looking directly at him, his soft smile reassured Rin that everything’s going to be alright, golden eyes gleaming with sheer ambition she used to see on that day they first met, and seemed to be even more determined. It was then that Rin promised herself not to ever forget the words this boy has told her. That gaze, and that expression, was the brightest moment of Shirou Emiya she had ever seen.

In the long pause of sharing each other comfort, he fixed his gaze on her face, her eyes was genuine and present, having his reflection in them and no one else. Bright light irises slowly moved its focus to stop at her lips, and for a second, Rin just wanted to forget. All of the acts, pretends. This relent gap between them.

But she knew she couldn’t, _shouldn’t_ , and Rin wouldn’t do it. Not now, not this moment.

“…let’s call it a night,” She pulled away from him, away from his warmth, both hands on her knee before she rose herself up.

“Right,” Shirou nodded, his face a little red. He grabbed the soda can he didn’t open then followed the school idol who took the lead, leaving the bench and everything that left unsaid behind them.

They stopped at the intersection, an area between her mansion, Emiya’s household, and Homurahara school. It was almost 3 a.m., but everything was still dark and silent.

Shirou was the first to stop, he eyed at the girl who was barely functioning at the moment.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to walk you home?” He asked, inclined his head a little to see if she’s okay.

“Yeah, it is almost dawn anyway.” Rin said, fighting back a yawn, her eyes looked blurred and sleepy.

“But it’s still dangerous though,” He frowned.

She silently glared, feeling a little annoyed by his attitude.

“Umm… then, I guess I’ll see you at school?”

She nodded, then, pointed her index finger at his hand that still grabbing on hers from the time she almost hit an electricity post by accident since she was completely out of her energy by lack of sleep.

“Ah! Sorry!” He hurriedly let go of her hand. Giving her a quick waving to hide his embarrassment after realized himself for getting used to the idea of holding her hand. “Well, see ya.”

Looking at him retreating, Rin felt somewhat reluctant to let him go like this. It was the first time in a long while that she didn’t feel this safe around someone, no, even better than the time she was alone in her house.

In her state of half awake and half unconscious, she reached out to him. And Shirou was suddenly hold back by the abrupt pull at his jacket.

“Eh?”

“It’s cool.” Rin whispered, knowing fully well herself it was just an excuse. Her hand held on the hem of his shirt, her expression is that of an inscrutable one. “The wind.”

A silence came upon them.

Like it was natural, Shirou began to spread his arms and used his unzipped jacket to embrace her body. He was planning to just give Rin his jacket at first, but being a bit too nervous, he ended up giving it to her in a hugging kind of way. And because her head was bent down a little, he couldn’t see how she reacted.

Though Shirou was too panicked that he was sure his face’s now bright red, Rin didn’t move to resist so he just let it be. His hands rested vaguely on either side of her waist, touching the thin fabric of her red turtle neck shirt. When he was about to pull away, the girl grabbed on his white shirt, making her hand into a fist.

Secretly blushing herself, Rin returned his awkward embrace by slightly putting her other arm around his torso, her small head snuggling into his chest.

Shirou can smell the special herbs for her magical experiment from the smooth, long wavy hair. His heart instantly beated faster (if that’s still possible), at this rate, he thought he would just faint by the rising of his body temperature, and he suddenly felt self-conscious by the sweats on his hands holding on her body.

When he was about to move to wipe off the soaking heat from his palms. She quickly moved away with her face hidden behind her raven hair, turning her back on him. Shirou was left with the remaining warmth of her presence, already missing the source.

After a cold breeze came greeting to both of them, he heard her quitely muttered.

“And you are too warm.” Rin tilted her head a little, just he could see her pink lips moving. With a clear pronounced voice, she said softly. “Emiya-kun.”

Rin pulled away completely with his baseball jacket on her shoulders, waving her hand with a quick ‘Good night, and see you.’ Shirou couldn’t do anything but standing there, his face was tinted with all the blood that rushing up to his upper body. He shook himself from his dazed state and squeezed out the word _good night_ in time to see her made a peace sign with her fingers without looking back.

Shirou smiled at the sight, feeling relieved to see the girl back to herself again. The remaining warmth of her body still hold him dearly in this restless night.

He turned his back and started to walk toward Emiya’s residence, both didn’t wait to see one another off but still wearing that same smile they had on when they opened up and talked honestly for the first time since the end of the war.

Rin touched the smooth fabric of his jacket, bringing it close to her chest and tried to recall the sensation of her rapidly beating heart and pure hope as she felt them pooling in during the time in his embrace. That crimson evening flashed upon her thought.

The red magus adored him, and maybe secretly jealous of him. Since that day she saw him doing that high jump in the sunset, she always thought that this stubborn side of him was so admirable, and unreachable, and...

And if he was to make his ideal into a reality, then seeing someone who could accomplish the impossibility she cannot reach would probably make this voidness she felt inside her disappear too.

_So hurry up and show me, Shirou._

  
  
Rin looked up at now starless sky.

_The miracle I once didn’t believe in. Make it happen._

She prayed, hands clenced inside his jacket’s pockets.

“I believe in you, so please, Shirou.”

As she stared at the almost dawn landscape view of Fuyuki that now looked lonely than usual, she wished only for one thing.

Let this be the right answer.

**Author's Note:**

> And that’s how Archer was born?! Huh? Not yet?
> 
> Btw, thank you so much for bearing with it till the end! Phew! I had a lot going on in real life right now. But every times I stressed out, I wrote these drabbles. Well, I’m not good at writing in English since it wasn’t my first language but I had fun struggling so that’s a pro of it, no?
> 
> Oh, and since people might be saying about why Rin had Cu as her servant here, I have to clarify myself first that I am aware of the possibility over time paradox for CC. And that Archer might be the ARCHER in his own timeline, but I must say that a big no fun to me. That’s why I chose to explore with Yaririn as I’ve seen the potential of them being paired up both from Prototype version and EXTRA spin-off.
> 
> Feel free to leave comments and lots of kudos! I’d like to know what you guys think. Well, for the time being, peace out!


End file.
